“I mean, what do you do all day?”

So…about once a week I take the girls to Target. I know, it’s a big deal.  We split a popcorn (except Sailor, she’s a baby) and walk around for about an hour looking at all the overpriced, useless, yet somehow couldn’t possibly live without, objects – oh look, a $45 brass oval to hang from the wall! It’s one of Ella’s favorite places because she almost always gets to pick something from the $1-$3 toys in the front of the store.  It’s also a bit of a break for me. Well, on our most recent trip she was spending her tooth fairy money ($2).  She picked out a $3 fan that had My Little Ponies on it.  I let her go to the check out by herself and give the lady her money.  When she was done I walked up to pay the difference.  The lady asked me if I stayed home with my kids. I happily said Yes!! Then I got it…that question that I hate…”So, what do you all day?” What? Besides walk around Target buying cheap fans? Nothing. Obviously.  I watch TV.  Paint my nails.  Drive the kids to a sitter’s house and meet friends for lunch.

Not.

So…what do I do all day??

5:30am: My alarm goes off. I turn it off. Come on people..it’s 5:30.

6:00am: I actually wake up and sneak to the bathroom hoping no one hears the change in wind that someone is up walking around.

6:01am: Damnit – wind shift heard.  Go and get the littlest out of her crib and feed her a bottle.

6:10am: Start the coffee maker.

6:15am: Pee.

6:17am: let the dog out. with supervision so he doesn’t eat the hose, or the fence, or the pool

6:30am: Make myself a cup of coffee.

6:32am: Other 2 are up- go get them dressed/changed

6:40am: stick a sippy cup inside the toddler’s mouth so she stops screaming and sit her in her high chair.

7:00am: Breakfast – argue with the 4 year old that as good as it sounds we cannot have cake for breakfast. No, can’t eat pretzels either. Stop the toddler from feeding all of her breakfast to the dog.

7:30am: Stop the dog from sitting on the baby.  Clean up from breakfast. Stop the toddler from eating the dog’s food. If husband is home, I go for a run. And I go as far as I can. If he doesn’t have to leave for the airport I take my time and picture myself on a beach. Or binge watching Pretty Little Liars all day.  In my pajamas.

8:00am: Wipe myself down with a baby wipe and change. A shower would be too exciting this early in the morning.

8:15am  : Heat up my coffee from this morning that’s still sitting on the counter.

8:20am: Stop the toddler from putting dog food in the baby’s mouth.

8:30am: Put toddler down for a nap. And feed baby – put baby down for a nap. Pull a toy out of the dog’s mouth.

8:30-10:30: I work from home (yes, an actual job – not a sales thing) while playing dress up/crafts/hide and seek with my 4 year old.  Luckily she’s really bad at hide and seek and I work for about 20 minutes before finding her in the middle of the floor under the blanket…same spot she hid 20 minutes ago.

10:00am: Toddler and baby are up. Snack for the toddler.  Answer the 10045th question from the 4 year old about how yes, I am sure that a skunk will not come into her room in the middle of the now (or am I??)

10:30am: Take a walk get dragged around the streets- with 3 kids and a puppy.  You’re welcome for the laugh neighbors.

11:00am: Go to the park.  No, I don’t sit on a bench while my kids play.  I’m helping Addy (the toddler) go up the stairs and down the slides and not fall off the playground.  Sailor is either being worn or asleep in her stroller.  Although, she might be awake – I guess I don’t really know.

Some days we have playdates at this time.

12:00pm- pack everyone to go home. leave something behind – a shoe, a bottle, a sippy cup…something always gets left.

12:05pm – listen to “I DON’T WANT TO GO HOME!! THIS IS A HORRIBLE DAY” the whole way home

12:20pm: lock the kids in the toy room so I can make lunch and check my voicemails

12:30pm : Lunch for the children.  Feed the baby.

12:45pm: Take 3 bites of my lunch. Pull a toy out of the dog’s mouth.

12:50pm: Let the dog out – supervise no eating of non edible objects. Clean up from lunch.

1:00pm: Lay Addy and Sailor (baby) down for a nap.

1:01pm: Take another bite of my lunch.

1:03pm: Rock Sailor and reswaddle – go into Addy’s room and lay back down with a night night song.

1:10pm: Re heat my coffee.

1:11pm: Beg Ella to watch TV for an hour so I can work .

1:30pm: Win battle with a promise she can finish whatever she’s watching later if she doesn’t finish before babies get up.

1:31pm: Shove my entire lunch in my mouth.

1:35pm: Play hide and seek while on hold on work calls because she’s bored of the TV. Or Pretty, Pretty Princess, or Candy Land – whatever floats her boat.

3:00pm: Addy wakes up.  Bring her downstairs for milk and a snack.

3:05pm: Make a work call and try to disguise Addy’s gibberish in the  background as just a co worker on the other line (“I know, she is talking loud isn’t she? How rude.”)

3:30pm: I realize that Sailor is awake. Go get her and feed her.

3:35pm: Come downstairs to see the dog ripping up a coloring book and Addy has thrown her snack all over the floor.  Cry. Clean up.

4:00pm: Go outside.  Yes – please. Go play in the street.

…or go spend $3 on Target for a fan that breaks on the way home and hear about it all.day.long.

5:30pm : Set Ella up with some school work – trap Addy in her highchair and strap Sailor to the Ergo. Make dinner.  Listen to Addy grunt and whine and thrash. Listen to Ella whine about wanting to watch TV.

6:15pm: Watch Addy throw all her food on the ground and cry about it. Answer Ella about what everything is and why it’s on her plate. Dinner.

7:00pm: BATH. Get soaking wet.

7:30pm: Contain all the kids to my bathroom while I shower. And sing the ABCs, Old McDonald…Answer the 4 year old’s questions about why colors are colors. She’s so deep.

8:00pm: BED. Brush the girl’s teeth. Stop Sailor from rolling down the stairs. Stop Addy from trying to walk down the stairs. Get the girl’s into jammies. Stories, songs, rocking, kisses.  An extra kiss for each one.

8:22pm: Close both doors and skip walk down the stairs. Dump my coffee. Reload Keurig  and hope for tomorrow.

8:30pm: Drink all the wine. Have a polite glass of wine and catch up on work.  Was that a cry? The wind? No..my stomach.  Eat my dinner.

9:30pm: Watch 1 episode of Pretty Little Liars…what is this show anyway?

10:15pm: Hit the pillow and sleeeeeeeep.

There ya go, cashier lady.  That’s what I do all day. Plus diaper changes. And I LOVE IT.